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A Large Girl's Road…

…to weight-loss, life, and so much more.

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Background

Homeschool or Online Public School

No matter what it is called my friends and family only see it as homeschool and anti socializing. It is so much more. 

I was not homeschooled but I made the decision awhile back to put my son in some sort of school at home once he reached that age. Well this year was Kindergarten. 

His older brother does go to a B&M which he hates but that is another story.

Tomorrow will be one week from when we started it and so far both of us love it. Now the only negative I can see so far is the lack of attention my baby girl gets. (She is a baby to me, she is four.)  

Everyone was against me doing this. I have three friends who support me but said they could not do it. Believe me I wonder all the time if I have made the wrong decision.  My wonderful 5year old is a social bug and always making friends wherever he goes. They just never stick. It’s the friend who he meets at the playground one day. So yes I worry. He is a December baby and never ever has friends visit for his birthday. 

I feel like a horrible mom sometimes and like I am keeping him away from what I had happen in school which was 80% bad in my opinion.

There are tons of trips and fun in this online public school so I cannot wait to see where it leads us. Each time he learns something new he gets so excited to share it with his Daddy when he gets home. Right now he flies thru math but we taught him that when he was three. So I am anxious to see how he deals with learning new.

So for now my son attends Connections Academy and we love it. (We being my son and myself ) I have yet to get an update on how my husband and parents feel.

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High Expectations

I think I sometimes hold myself too high.  I think I should be able to look like other people look and do what other people do.  I can only do what I can do.  Which apparently right now is nothing and be lazy.  I admit I do want to look like this:

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However I know I am a bit too lazy to do it.  I mean I had the motivation at one time when it’s what I thought someone else wanted.  I know I know, I should have done it for me.  However I thought it would make everything happy again.  It didn’t, it didn’t change anything but me.

So I guess I should start at the beginning or somewhat… this is me at 274.8lbs (which I wanted tattooed on my wrist as a reminder to not go there again).  Well I am assuming it was that weight; this was actually the December before I started.

Before

I was miserable; always.  This was me at the end of that journey; weighing in at 160lbs even.  It took me 9 months to lose the weight and no normal food I like to call it.

After

SO I worked hard and was temporarily happy.  I decided I wanted some food so at my son’s 3rd birthday party I ate food.  Nuggets, watermelon, fish sticks, cake (I think).  It only went down hill from there with me working at a minimum 40 hours and maximum of 92 one week.  Usually averaged 70hrs.  I ate whatever came along and I didn’t work out.  What had happened to me?  What did I do?  Why did I ruin what I had worked so hard for?

So you see my dilemma?

In the Beginning

Well… where to start from really?  How many times have you started and ended a diet?  How many times have you failed or succeeded in said diet?

Did I mention I hate the word diet?  Seriously hate it.  I prefer life change or something to that effect.

So the beginning….

Home life… I ate what I wanted and my parents didn’t really stop me.  I am not blaming them so don’t think that.  I was always pretty active when I was younger but still overweight for my age and height.  I did the sports in Middle School and stopped after my freshman year because I wanted to do theater and orchestra more than anything else.  I was determined and dedicated to music and communications.  So after the sports came the weight gains.

I never ever thought of myself as over weight… until I became an adult.

So diet 1 that I tried;  Adkins diet…. What it does… this diet limits your carbs to a very very low amount.  Did it work you ask… why yes it did… until I added other food back into my diet.  I lost about 70lbs with this diet and gained most if not all of it back.  Please let me know that I did not work out with this diet.  Honestly I didn’t really start working out until April of 2013.  I am not sure I ever understood that that is the only true way to get healthy and stay in shape.  Sometimes I think I still don’t.  No I don’t think I know I don’t.

At one time I did the Adkins diet twice thinking the second time would be better than the first.  Why?  I don’t know but if you figure it out let me know.  During the 2nd time I also joined a Biggest Loser Contest at work and won…

The 2nd diet that I tried:  Nutrisystem…. While it did work the 1st time I ended up becoming pregnant and had to quit the diet.  After my son was born I was going to go back on it and just couldn’t bring myself to eat those same foods anymore.  They did not taste good to me again.  So there goes that ruined diet.

Is it the diets that ruin me or my thoughts?  Answer:  THOUGHTS

So the 3rd time I decided to try HMR through my local hospital.  Oh boy did it work but was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  I went from 274.8 lbs to 160 lbs in 8 months.  WOW fast right… 1st of all after much research that I have done I have found out there is really no such thing as too fast.  Now my problem with this again is  I was going to transition into what they call Phase 2 and that just did not transition so well.  I missed out on how to properly do it.  I then went to a cookie exchange party (needless to say during this time my children had birthday parties, we went to parties, we went on vacation (where I took my food), multi issues where I could have gone off the diet.  I guess at this cookie exchange I decided I had had enough and just ate whatever I wanted (minus the pizza they ordered)  I did eat my own food there as well.

So February came and I started getting this horrific feeling.  My stomach would hurt and I would feel a burning sensation that was not heart burn.  Well come to find out I had a ton of Gallstones mostly from going from my HMR food to every day food.  Once I had it removed I had issues.  More tests later and it turned out I have something called Sphincter of Oddi disfunction.  So I had to have a stent put in to help with that.  So during the 2 months I had this stent I would have rather given birth to octuplets rather than go through what I was.  I tried not to let on about the pain and I never really said anything.  I finally went to my doctor and said you have to get this out.  So she called the GI doctor and out it came a week later.  Relief.

So since then I haven’t been able to get back into the swing of things and from my 160lbs I am up to 260lbs.  WHEW!!!  100lbs.  WTH did I let happen.  Where did my thinner yet still overweight according to the BMI chart go?  I was so happy with that.

Gaining all this weight back has hurt me and my family in so many ways.  I am not sure where else to go.  I have worked out a few times here and there but not like I used to and I have lost that amazing flexibility that I had.  I can still do the things I used to like fold myself in half (yes even for a fat girl) but it is a little more hurtful.  I am 31 not a spring chicken anymore.  I need to do something and I need to do it now.  For myself, for my children, for my family.

Now having said that… I know what I need to do… I even use My Fitness Pal.  However I don’t do it very well.  My love for food gets in the way.  I love love love food.  I also cater so I really love food.  If I could I would have my own restaurant.

So I struggle and sometimes tell myself what other ladies do around the world:

Maybe I was just meant to be fat.

 

 

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