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A Large Girl's Road…

…to weight-loss, life, and so much more.

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Frustrated

I Used to Be…

I used to be desirable by the one that out the ring on my finger. I used to have a smaller weight to my stats. I used to have more energy. I used to be young and happy.  The only thing I used to be that was bad is childless. Nothing in the world could replace my children. 

I have always been told that if I lose weight I need to do it for me. Well I did it once. I am not sure who I did it for because I screwed that up too, much like I do everything. So let’s start there.  At one point in my life I let myself get up to 274lbs.  Yes it was after two children but lots of people lose that weight so that is no excuse. Now please keep in mind that this is 34lbs more than when I got married.  Most of my life I have been a larger woman. 

I am not sure what changed in life and what made me want to try the diet that worked better than any of them had.  At least that is what I thought. I started HMR in April and by December I was down to 160.2lbs.  10.2pbs short of my goal but I was proud of myself.  I might have even stayed there.  However all the people who begged me to try something are the same ones that ruined me at my smaller size.  I heard things like, “You are too skinny.”  “You look sick.” “Oh my you can see all your bones.”  I am 5’7 and yes my BMI states to be lower but I was happy there.  Did I want to look like a skinny Asian woman, maybe but at that point I was content.  

Now let me point out that while on this diet I had great support and knew any and all side affects if any.  I did lose a lot of hair but was always told after the diet it would come back.  Which OMG has it. I think it’s tripled. I have never had hair this long. I like it but gosh it is hot. How do you long hair ladies do it?

So let me get back on track.  During this diet I got a job on a temp assignment as a recruiter and absolutely loved it. The negative…..I started working 17 plus hrs a day and ate whatever was around therefore creeping back up.  The HMR diet went out the window as did all the money spent doing it. 

A few months later after eating what I refer to as normal food again, I began having pain.  I had horrendous acid reflux and what I refer to as bubbles.  Turns out those bubbles was my gallbladder saying get me out.  I still have them every now and then.  To me it almost feels like a baby kicking.  So out it came and weeks later I still had issues.  I was told I had Sphincter of Uddi Disorder.  I did not make that up I promise.  Uddi later I had to have a stint out in to help my digestive system.  Well I am not sure I lasted a month but I was in so much pain that they took it out. 

I still to this day have pains.  I am trying to narrow it down as to what I eat or drink to cause it.  I am pretty sure soft drinks are evil. However I am a diet drink lover. Day 1 without today baha. I have a lot of day ones.  Which is why I have a headache too.  

So the last two days I have decided this is enough.  I have been working my tail off in our home cleaning like it should be taken care of.  Unfortunately that means less attention to my beautiful children while I catch up on housework.  I know they will not be little forever but dust free helps us all breath better.  (BTW my kiddos are 10, 5 and 4.  Yes I consider my step-son mine. He just has double parents.) 

So present day.  I would say I am 300lbs. So I gained my 115lbs and 26 more back. Yes I feel it on my body.  Yes I feel it on my joints.  Yes I tire easily when working and sweating but I keep going.  YES MY BIGGEST FEAR IS PEELING OVER FROM WEIGHT AND STRAIN ON MY BODY AND LEAVING MY FAMILY.  

I know what you are saying.  Why does she not do something about it? Why is she just talking and not acting? Why does she not get off her lazy ass?

Well 1st…I have done many diets.  I NEED A LIFE STYLE CHANGE.  Second, overeating is an addiction and it’s not easy.  You give up something and see how you feel and do not tell me you did. We all have but this is HUGE.  Third, I am a person who is competitive and likes doing things with others.  Well we are poor right now so gyms are not an option. I am not a heat person so outdoors goes by too. The truth is I get excited and then something happens to ruin my happy bubble and I have to start all over. The last week I have been trying. I have been working hard around the house indoor and outdoor. I usually attempt to sit down after dinner.  To me that’s good and it’s progress.  I have a 100oz bottle that I am now making it a goal to drink the entire thing every day.  It is not half my body weight but it is again a start.  I have not drank this much water since HMR.  Also I am not lazy.  I will work my ass off for what needs to be done.  I work hard for friends, family and sometimes myself.  

My biggest issue is I always think I am not important enough to change.  I know you are probably saying that I have posted about this before so why now does it all change?  I guess you and I will just have to wait and see.  I am my biggest critic!!!!

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Snack Disappointment

Well I am a large girl who loves her carbs that is for sure. Thanks to Kroger I was able to try something I had wanted to for awhile. They gave me a coupon for one of their frozen snacks.  The original cost was over 4.00.  I picked the BBQ Pork Potato Skins!!

What could go wrong right?  Well I will first show to u the photo and then tell you why I will never purchase them again. Sorry Kroger, you are awesome in other ways just not this one.

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So these are three of the five that were in the box. There was my first disappointment, only five. Well if the entire family liked them that is one per person and they are about 1.00 a piece. If you can tell the skin is prominent and the meat and cheese in them is lacking. When I get a potato skin I expect it to be full and plump. Not naked or on a diet. If I wanted very little food I would not have purchased them.

The taste was not horrible but also not very good either. Now the other two:

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Not as bad right. Still not as full as I would have liked. I am sure we could have taken the topping and made a small sandwich and stuffed them ourselves. However if I buy potato skins that say on the box they are full of BBQ Pork I expect it to have more than a small plop.  (YES I love my English grammar too. :))

Depressed, Sad, or Just Plain Useless

Well… to say that I am happy as all get out would be an understatement as you can probably tell from the title of this post.

Why you ask?!?

  1. I cannot get this damn website to post every day as I want.  I try to on my tablet or phone and the typing starts to drive me nuts… SERIOUSLY!
  2. I am not bringing in any money to us as a family other than selling things here and there and delivering cupcakes for a friends business.
  3. I want to be doing something while raising my children.  I feel like I am not good enough for the family.

Someone suggested once that I try to get a pill.  However to me I think anything like this can be dealt with without drugs.  It is one reason why I kind of threw a fit when my husband and his ex-wife decided to put our oldest on ADHD meds.  I felt like it was a structure thing and that he just needed more of that and discipline.

I can tell you one thing…. when I decided to not go back to my job I felt 100% better!  I am over not getting what I deserve and being treated like crap by promises that will never ever happen.  Eventually I get frustrated and well that’s that.  The good news is that I don’t work there anymore.  Now if I lived in another state I would go work the company in heart beat as I love love love the managers in another state or two.

So since I don’t feel that I am useful enough… the things that do calm me down are….

  • taking my kiddos to the library
  • taking them to meet-ups with my most awesome Moms group
  • playing a few online games
  • surfing Pinterest
  • Finding crafts and learning activities for the kids
  • always researching anything and everything I can find to make myself a better mother
  • reading library books to better myself as a mother and parent

I think I shall leave things here.  Short and sweet.

Weight

So I weighed today. Boy was that dumb. Needless to say I have not really started dieting. I have started eating like I have never ate before.

I need to live for these kids and my family. I am eating life away. I am stuck in a void I cannot get out if.

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I have issues I know. I am starting to have a hard time breathing and I am so big I cannot lay with my son.

I know I should say let’s start now but I say let’s wait until Thanksgiving.  Ugggh

EXCUSES!!!!!

Issues

Well of course. I feel as huge as a box right now. I didn’t overeat on Thanksgiving though. I assume because I cooked it all. By the time I was done cooking I was over eating it.

I look in the mirror and I am not sure who I see. It is not me. It’s some big girl with a round face. What happened to me? What happened to that girl that ate nothing but HMR food for 9 months?  I fought so hard to lose weight once. Now I feel like it is money down the drain. 😦 I feel like a huge disappointment.

I cannot sleep with my son because I am so big. I cannot sit or lay comfortably anymore. I am not looking forward to tomorrow. I weight tomorrow. I can feel the fat on me since I was small a year ago. I hate it.

I CAN DO THIS!! WE ALL CAN

Yikes!!!

So last night was date night.  After I got out of the shower and decided to put my Spanx on it made me realize how big I got.  OMG.  WOW!  I also realized I have maybe 2 or 3 pairs of pants I can wear and the same with shirts.  However you should see my closet.  In fact I will take a photo and add it to the post later.  I am just so embarrassed that I gained everything back.

So my husband said if I wanted to do the diet again ad if I was serious, he would pay for it again.  However he said this time it has to be a lifetime change.  I do not know what was wrong with me and why I wasted all that time and money not to mention effort and gained it all back.  I look at my healthy little kids and realize they need me to look up at not to be this huge girl on the couch.

SO this morning we did a lot of Wii Fit and Wii games that required us to stand.  Now my 2 year old doesn’t get it but she wants to play every now and then.

Needless to say I am making a phone call on Monday and see if I can’t get back involved with everything and see where I can start.

I am done being disappointed in myself.  I feel so awful and I know what it is like to feel healthy and good.  I want to go back there so… I AM!!!!!!

I hope some of you join me and get back to it or start a new with me.  I could use some friends along the way.

Love, Passion, and So much more

So I sit here at my son’s appt and I am watching Will and Izzy play. My first thought is how much I love them. It still just amazes me how much still. The moment they were born such love filled the room. I am so blessed beyond belief by these little people that are in my life teaching me something new every day.

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Right now my husband is out of town for work. He works on guns for the Navy. He actually missed the birth of our daughter. It still affects me today. I even cried yesterday about it. Yes I am that person.

Continue reading “Love, Passion, and So much more”

Offerings

Did you know that 68% of Americans are overweight or obese?  I am in that category.  I want to get out!

Oh what to do what to do.  So as you know we are trying to sell our home.  We got an offer today for $15,000 less than what we are currently asking.   Which also happens to be $24,000 less than where we started!  😦  I am bummed because we have literally worked our butts off to get it to where it is at today!  There is still two large rooms to paint and the carpet to replace.  Thursday the carpet cleaner is coming to clean the carpets and at some point this week we are getting some broken glass window/door fixed and installing new carpet this week.

Ohhh woe is me.  HAHA

Okay I need to calm down.  We were over there working all day today so lots of exercise for me today.  I suppose I should feel rewarded for all my hard work!

SO CHANGE OF SUBJECT:

My 20 year old cousin tweeted today:   “I will never understand how people can sleep around and have sex with people who don’t mean anything to them.”  Oh boy… where do I even start with that statement.  How many of you just want to voice your opinion right now? lol Go ahead I don’t mind!  Because boy do I!  However to remain well me I will keep them to myself! lol

I spoke with my accountability coach, yeah that sounds good to me, today.  She asked what my plan was for the week.  I wanted to respond well up until about a hour ago it was to work at our old house all week and keep it going.  Now I don’t know I feel like I am stuck.  Tuesday a friend of mine does Zumba and I used to love it.  I am still so disappointed in myself for gaining all that weight back after I worked my butt off to lose it all.  Why did I do that?  Was I not happy at the lower weight?  I remember tasting Frito’s again and thought ewe too salty.  SO WTH?

I tend to think we all have a chubby little kid inside of us saying eat that, eat that, eat that.  (I should mention while typing this I started Hunger for Change on Netflix).  Yeah I’m crazy!!

Speaking of crazy this time last year I did a race called The Rugged Maniac.  Have you heard of it?  I absolutely loved it!!!  Now I was about 60lbs less so I didn’t do it this year I gave my spot to my other cousin’s boyfriend.  (Isn’t that nice of me.)  I am a little bummed I didn’t go but in my defense she said it seemed harder this year.  So go me!! lol

SO back to Hunger for a Change documentary.  They are talking about eating food being an addiction.  I 100% agree with that.  They seriously said chemicals that could have an addictive component are within these foods.  MSG!!!!  EVIL!!

Did you know that MSG is in 80% of all foods?  It makes you want to eat more.  It excites a part of your brain that is in charge of the fat program.  According to this guy on the TV everyone knows this!  He said if you want to study obesity Google MSG Obesity induced mice.  You know what I DIDN’T KNOW THAT!

MSG-01b

Induced Mice

Okay well now they are talking about Aspartame and Diet Cokes.  Well now I think I am sold to stop drinking Diets!!! OMG!  How many of you are Diet soft drink drinkers?

Hungry For Change

Frustration… (Always frustration)

So pre-warning… this post is not so much about weight-loss and food although I will touch on it, but more of me venting. 

So I know this has an opportunity to reach the people I am venting about it but for once

I DO NOT CARE!!

So vent number 1:

Do you know that when you are trying to sell a property you would rather not take a loss on it, right?  However current situations have us to where we just need it gone.  We cannot afford the house payment on it and the one we are living in.  We don’t want to rent it anymore because some people don’t know how to take care of things no matter what they write in their 8 page letter to you stating that they do.  When the agreement says no pets, we mean it… NO PETS.  So now we have pee stained hard wood floors and no way of cleaning it up other than pulling the entire floor out and replacing it or taking a chance on stripping those areas and in hopes of matching it with stain (fat chance right). 

So we had a few problems in the house one of which we 100% had to fix ourselves because it’s just a crappy made window.  (Can I say crappy in a blog?)  We allowed our renters to paint because well we thought they were buying it.  WRONG.  So the paint is all dark paint so we had to repaint three rooms (the one I did not mind because our first renters were amazing).  Just bummed the 1st ones didn’t buy it.  We kinda think they realized the house was too big, but they did have other property in other states that was not selling. 

So the problems we have had to fix:  there was a HUGE patch job in one of the bathrooms which they at least used the left over paint we had left to paint over it but the patch is awful.  Two pee stains on the hardwood,  A broken kitchen sprayer, the master bath has a black stain on the carpet and they all smell like smoke and animals (so we have to have them replaced), there was a hole in the back porch siding.  There were pee stains on the from sidewalk.  The list just goes on and on so why in the world would you think you get your full deposit back IDK. 

So vent number 2:

As I have stated before I am a mother of 2 and a bonus mother of 1.  They are wonderful kids and we expect a lot from all of them.  (Probably too much.)  So our schedule has changed with our bonus child that we now keep him during the school weeks.  He goes to a school in our area instead of his mom’s.  He is doing quite well at school and is calm.  Goes to bed when asked (sometimes with a little fight because he wants to kiss his sister a billion times goodnight; sometimes with no fight).  So his mom is a realtor and we listed our home through family.  Why wouldn’t we.  So her response when she noticed it went on the market:

Thanks for taking away my ability to pay off my debt and take our son to Disney.

Okay so 1st of all… you took half of someone’s 401K that he has worked his ass off for claiming you helped support them in school when he as the one that always had a job!  So you know thanks for that.  2nd of all you took a crap-load of money for your part of the house and he took all the debt that you had; so what the hell kind of debt do you have?  Plus your Dad gave you money and kept it secret so you wouldn’t have to claim it when listing accounts during the divorce.  I can’t say all this to your face because we don’t always ask for you to pay your part in the bills and schooling that your son has because it has to be paid for anyway so what’s the point in asking for it when you know we pay for it anyway.  I don’t complain about that I don’t complain about buying new clothes or pants or 150.00 for cub scouts when he was only in it for 2 meetings. 

WARNING: Random venting not really to do with the situation.  Now granted we don’t do child support because to me that is just dumb… you had the kid together you each pay your part when you have him.  To me that makes more sense than anything.  Even if I was poor and had no job I wouldn’t expect someone to pay for child support, it would be up to me to make that money.  Now granted if the other person wanted nothing to do with the child and never in there life then just give up your rights instead of stringing the child along.  I hate that too.    I have a friend of mine who has worked her entire life supporting her children and trying to give them the best of the best.  I call her a Mom and a Dad.  There is a sperm donor in there somewhere who maybe cared here and there.  I just don’t get some parents.  Why have kids if you are not going to take care of them.  Get fixed so you don’t have kids or get your shit together.  Seriously. 

SO THANKS FOR THAT… I FEEL BETTER ALREADY! 🙂

So now to what most of you read my blog for! lol  I just happened to stroll on to Pinterest today…. OMG please tell me I am not the only one that is obsessed.  I even want to have a Pinterest Party but everyone thinks I am nuts.  lol  5b34f14c735144768701ab4d8c9c27a6

Any takers to do this with me?  Come on… you know you want to!  I pinned about five or six but this one is calling my name.  I hate jumping jacks by the way.  They hurt my ankles.  I also cannot do a lunge to save my life.  SERIOUSLY! 

Today I went way over my calories, and I stayed home and did absolutely nothing today.  I just wanted to sleep.  I was exhausted.  I guess all that work caught up with me.  Tomorrow I have a ton to do though, I would love to think that burning calories the next day counted for the previous day! lol  I stared at my HMR food today and thought hmm… maybe I can at least eat it for lunch and make a shake every now and then.  Just to save some calories and attempt to fill up and watch my portions.  Tonight I fixed some Ramen noodles and I know I went overboard with my serving. However my daughter ate about half of mine anyway! lol 

Bonus child has to run Thursday so hoping it doesn’t rain.  If not he is definitely running on Sunday.

So I am now no longer frustrated thanks to you all.  I am however freezing to death in my house.  My son wants to sit on my lap so I will cut the weight section short.  Thanks for always reading!!

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