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A Large Girl's Road…

…to weight-loss, life, and so much more.

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Hurt

I Used to Be…

I used to be desirable by the one that out the ring on my finger. I used to have a smaller weight to my stats. I used to have more energy. I used to be young and happy.  The only thing I used to be that was bad is childless. Nothing in the world could replace my children. 

I have always been told that if I lose weight I need to do it for me. Well I did it once. I am not sure who I did it for because I screwed that up too, much like I do everything. So let’s start there.  At one point in my life I let myself get up to 274lbs.  Yes it was after two children but lots of people lose that weight so that is no excuse. Now please keep in mind that this is 34lbs more than when I got married.  Most of my life I have been a larger woman. 

I am not sure what changed in life and what made me want to try the diet that worked better than any of them had.  At least that is what I thought. I started HMR in April and by December I was down to 160.2lbs.  10.2pbs short of my goal but I was proud of myself.  I might have even stayed there.  However all the people who begged me to try something are the same ones that ruined me at my smaller size.  I heard things like, “You are too skinny.”  “You look sick.” “Oh my you can see all your bones.”  I am 5’7 and yes my BMI states to be lower but I was happy there.  Did I want to look like a skinny Asian woman, maybe but at that point I was content.  

Now let me point out that while on this diet I had great support and knew any and all side affects if any.  I did lose a lot of hair but was always told after the diet it would come back.  Which OMG has it. I think it’s tripled. I have never had hair this long. I like it but gosh it is hot. How do you long hair ladies do it?

So let me get back on track.  During this diet I got a job on a temp assignment as a recruiter and absolutely loved it. The negative…..I started working 17 plus hrs a day and ate whatever was around therefore creeping back up.  The HMR diet went out the window as did all the money spent doing it. 

A few months later after eating what I refer to as normal food again, I began having pain.  I had horrendous acid reflux and what I refer to as bubbles.  Turns out those bubbles was my gallbladder saying get me out.  I still have them every now and then.  To me it almost feels like a baby kicking.  So out it came and weeks later I still had issues.  I was told I had Sphincter of Uddi Disorder.  I did not make that up I promise.  Uddi later I had to have a stint out in to help my digestive system.  Well I am not sure I lasted a month but I was in so much pain that they took it out. 

I still to this day have pains.  I am trying to narrow it down as to what I eat or drink to cause it.  I am pretty sure soft drinks are evil. However I am a diet drink lover. Day 1 without today baha. I have a lot of day ones.  Which is why I have a headache too.  

So the last two days I have decided this is enough.  I have been working my tail off in our home cleaning like it should be taken care of.  Unfortunately that means less attention to my beautiful children while I catch up on housework.  I know they will not be little forever but dust free helps us all breath better.  (BTW my kiddos are 10, 5 and 4.  Yes I consider my step-son mine. He just has double parents.) 

So present day.  I would say I am 300lbs. So I gained my 115lbs and 26 more back. Yes I feel it on my body.  Yes I feel it on my joints.  Yes I tire easily when working and sweating but I keep going.  YES MY BIGGEST FEAR IS PEELING OVER FROM WEIGHT AND STRAIN ON MY BODY AND LEAVING MY FAMILY.  

I know what you are saying.  Why does she not do something about it? Why is she just talking and not acting? Why does she not get off her lazy ass?

Well 1st…I have done many diets.  I NEED A LIFE STYLE CHANGE.  Second, overeating is an addiction and it’s not easy.  You give up something and see how you feel and do not tell me you did. We all have but this is HUGE.  Third, I am a person who is competitive and likes doing things with others.  Well we are poor right now so gyms are not an option. I am not a heat person so outdoors goes by too. The truth is I get excited and then something happens to ruin my happy bubble and I have to start all over. The last week I have been trying. I have been working hard around the house indoor and outdoor. I usually attempt to sit down after dinner.  To me that’s good and it’s progress.  I have a 100oz bottle that I am now making it a goal to drink the entire thing every day.  It is not half my body weight but it is again a start.  I have not drank this much water since HMR.  Also I am not lazy.  I will work my ass off for what needs to be done.  I work hard for friends, family and sometimes myself.  

My biggest issue is I always think I am not important enough to change.  I know you are probably saying that I have posted about this before so why now does it all change?  I guess you and I will just have to wait and see.  I am my biggest critic!!!!

New Me to Begin

So I met with a Health Nurse today. She did my BP sitting which was 132/80 and then standing which was 122/77. (To me the 132 is high for me. My norm is 117 to 110 over 80/70. When I am sick you definitely know. She also measured my waist. I want to say 52″. Tomorrow I am going to ask someone to do measurements all over. I know I said Monday but everyone went to bed so this week on Tuesday next week on Monday.

So….drumroll……..290.8……the largest I personally have ever been. I am embarrassed to say. There is nothing negative anyone can say because I have probably already said it to myself.

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I know if I looked at that I would probably be disgusted. Which I am but I also realized I cannot be negative about it or it will not work.

My 4 year old had his one and only practice today. So that was fun. I volunteered to be his coach. He said no you aren’t Mommy. That guy is lol.

My kids are my life and I cannot be there for them if I stay how I am. I want them to be active and that’s hard to be if they are not.

Today is the start of something wonderful.

Love, Passion, and So much more

So I sit here at my son’s appt and I am watching Will and Izzy play. My first thought is how much I love them. It still just amazes me how much still. The moment they were born such love filled the room. I am so blessed beyond belief by these little people that are in my life teaching me something new every day.

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Right now my husband is out of town for work. He works on guns for the Navy. He actually missed the birth of our daughter. It still affects me today. I even cried yesterday about it. Yes I am that person.

Continue reading “Love, Passion, and So much more”

Thoughts Consume

Many pressing thoughts. I finally got my husband to admit he was more attracted to me when I was smaller so why isn’t that enough to go back to that fit self I fought for?

I am an impatient person when it comes to something I want. I am also emotional, so when I found out my husband was not physically attracted to me, well it broke my heart. I haven’t been able to pick up those pieces.

I want to be attractive to him. I want that man that just cannot keep his eyes off of me. I want that passion and looming looks.

I guess I live in a fairy tale sometimes. I just know what I want and it is hard convincing me otherwise.

Continue reading “Thoughts Consume”

Am I a Disappointment

So this morning was a big huge cleaning and cooking day. Fundraiser day. Plus I had made this delicious most amazingly perfect cheesecake. The best I have ever made.

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OMG so good and creamy and worth all the 421 calories.

Yeah I know I keep on talking about losing weight and getting in shape and then I eat. I mean who would do that right? I just love food. It is so hard. Like a drug.

I know I did it once for 9 months so why is it hard now? Things happen. Disappoint happens. Discouragement happens. I let myself and my family down.

At the fitness fest this weekend I saw the ladies I worked with at my HMR meetings.  I felt like I was disappointing them. Why can’t I get over it? Why can I not move on?

My mom was over today. She bought me a Christmas gift from the Pampered Chef fundraiser. I am addicted to Pampered Chef and love all items. I love to cook though. She had also bought new shirts today and I loved them myself. She said well when you can get into them you can have them. Hmmm……

I do get it….eat your fruits and veggies, workout everyday at least 10 minutes. I know I shouldn’t over eat. I am not dumb!!

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Weekend Craze

So this weekend was a crazy day lol

Friday we met a guy at our old house to get some quotes. Then met my parents and friend’s for a not so healthy dinner. They had amazing fries though.

Saturday we went to the American Heart Association Walk with the kiddos this year. Last year it was just the hubs and I. Also we did not take a stroller. Let me repeat DID NOT take a stroller. We had a banana and granola bar there before walking. Then started. When we got to the take the short route or the long route my husband said we have the kids let’s shorten it. I said nah let’s just go with the kids. Boy was that a horrible idea. About a minute away from the turn Hubby and the boys went away and I carried our 26lbs daughter. Which slowed me down so much that we were the last ones. So when we crossed paths again we turned around. I carried her about 2 miles. For an overweight girl yikes.

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The picture is about the only moment she walked. I think she was overwhelmed with the crowd.

So on the way back about 1/4 of a mile left my handsome 45 lb 3 year old says my legs hurt. Now my husband said he ran most of it. (When I say 45 lbs let me emphasize that he is huge. Very tall for his age. He is well above my waist. Everyone says football player lol). So I picked him up and carried him over my shoulder to the end. OMG.

They did so well we let them play in the water when they were done. My daughter didn’t want to though.

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They were naked on the way home.

Saturday was also our date night because our 5 year anniversary was Sunday. So my wonderful cousin did my hair. Curls and all…

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I hate this pic…huge disappoint in myself for gaining so much back.

Anyway….After that I picked up our cute cake. Will came with me…He is a Mommy’s boy and I love it. Got ready when we came home then my wonderful parents arrived to watch the kiddos.

My husband and I probably drove around for 30 minutes before figuring out where to eat. We were clueless. We ended uo at BBC (Bluegrass Brewing Company). Needless to say I was so not impressed. Or none at all. I have an addiction to hot brown and it was okay but not awesome. For your 5th wedding anniversary you need awesome!!

My husband had bought tickets to Chicago that a friend of mine was in. I was expecting disappointment because the theater was small and the chairs were painful lol. It was wonderful!! I was highly impressed.

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We them headed home we were both so exhausted from that walk. (My legs are still weak and killing me.)

Sunday our actual anniversary was a little less crazy lol. We did go take down a trampoline from my cousins and put it up at our house.  The kids were so so excited. They were filthy when they were done but excited lol

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A piece broke which made me sad but that’s okay just no adults on it lol

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The kids were filthy afterwards so to the bath it was.

Pizza was our shared dinner with my amazing parents and then we dug into the most adorable cake. Sorry I deleted that photo already or I would share it too lol

Next weekend is a busy one too. I have the fundraiser for Abby next weekend…Please visit http://www.youcaring.com/medical-fundraiser/abby-s-journey-back-to-normal/190016 to donate.

Sick and Tired

Like the song says I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I feel like I have been sick for three weeks. Which well I have. So I dragged my butt into Urgent Care.

I did notice that I feel better when I eat better.

Last night I got up and danced with the kids. After about two minutes I couldn’t breath well and felt awful so I stopped.

Today an obituary came out for a girl I used to work with, she was 29. She died yesterday. I am so sad for her children. She has three little girls. If it was up to me I would have a dozen. I love kids just can’t afford them all. Heck we can barely afford the 3 we have. $70.00 for each sport season or more. Equipment for those sports. New clothes and shoes on off season. Luckily I have some amazing parents who buy clothes so the kids aren’t always in goodwill clothes or hand-me-downs.

I still want another child and my husband does not. That in itself is tough for me. I know I struggle with my weight, I know life would be easier at a lower weight that I experienced for a month.

I know a lot of these things. Why I cannot fix them is another question. I don’t know. I did attempt to fix one aspect in our life yesterday and that is finances. My only problem with finance now is that my paycheck only covers the sitter and nothing else. I work as a temporary and if I got hired on I would get free Insurance so it would cover a lot more. However I would go from no copay to copay. 😦 It would save us about 400 a month.) I am just having a hard time being away from my kids right now. And I mean horrific time.  It shows at night too, they cling and I love it. I just miss them. I know every parent does.

Decisions Decisions

So I write this as I am sitting in a room at our local Urgent Care Center hoping for an answer.  (I am also starving.)

Yesterday I was home and I sent my husband a message that just said “you should come home”….so he did. That never ever happens. It was a wonderful suprise. I couldn’t wipe the smile off my face.

Another thing that makes me smile is this beautiful girl. She wanted to wear her big brothers PB shirt which was now too small for him. So we let her.

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Well I am not dying.. I have bronchitis and a sinus infection and he said very close to pnemonia.

Broken…Furniture that is

So I was sitting in a stool holding my adorable two year old and down we went. Glad a stool is not far from the ground.

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That would be the kids hammering to fix it. I know no one else had the thought that I did.

I am lucky to have such supportive children that love me no matter what. Who probably ate a lb of fruit a piece today. They had one of the $40.00 trays on sale for $20.00. Bargain!!!! Eating fruits and vegetables is not our problem really. It is portion size and too many carbs.

So a friend of mine posted this to her Instagram….

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Makes ya think doesn’t. Granted I am deathly afraid of death. I mean I know it happens to everyone.  So I know what I should do to keep it from happening sooner more than later. So WTH right?

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Disappointing my Children

Well I promise I will not make a habit of posting twice a day, just rare occasions.  (Hope everyone gets a long weekend.)

So tonight my little boy asked me to sleep with him.  It’s usually Daddy or Mommy.  Well maybe it’s because I am sick (although I doubt it) but tonight it hurt to lay in that bed.  So I of course got up and asked my husband to come up to lay with him and he was so upset.

Now you think that would motivate my butt to come back downstairs to put in a Zumba Wii Game or something and start.  Well no.. the first thing I did was message a friend.  She said…

You can do it, you just don’t want to do it bad enough yet.  You have gotten comfortable.

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She also sent me the photo above along with some others.  (I will save them for a rainy day.)  Now this friend is the most honest person I have ever met… period…hands down.  She is right I guess when I wanted it before it was most definitely for other reasons that were not my own.  I decided to start this blog to hopefully help me find it again.  Her next words to me were:

The problem is you have quit caring.  You need to set goals and challenges for yourself. One day at a time start making change not excuses.

She even offered to come work out with me.  I bug my cousin to work out with me too because she is a workout goddess and a maniac.  Not to mention gorgeous.

So who knows, maybe I can do it.

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