I Used to Be…

I used to be desirable by the one that out the ring on my finger. I used to have a smaller weight to my stats. I used to have more energy. I used to be young and happy.  The only thing I used to be that was bad is childless. Nothing in the world could replace my children. 

I have always been told that if I lose weight I need to do it for me. Well I did it once. I am not sure who I did it for because I screwed that up too, much like I do everything. So let’s start there.  At one point in my life I let myself get up to 274lbs.  Yes it was after two children but lots of people lose that weight so that is no excuse. Now please keep in mind that this is 34lbs more than when I got married.  Most of my life I have been a larger woman. 

I am not sure what changed in life and what made me want to try the diet that worked better than any of them had.  At least that is what I thought. I started HMR in April and by December I was down to 160.2lbs.  10.2pbs short of my goal but I was proud of myself.  I might have even stayed there.  However all the people who begged me to try something are the same ones that ruined me at my smaller size.  I heard things like, “You are too skinny.”  “You look sick.” “Oh my you can see all your bones.”  I am 5’7 and yes my BMI states to be lower but I was happy there.  Did I want to look like a skinny Asian woman, maybe but at that point I was content.  

Now let me point out that while on this diet I had great support and knew any and all side affects if any.  I did lose a lot of hair but was always told after the diet it would come back.  Which OMG has it. I think it’s tripled. I have never had hair this long. I like it but gosh it is hot. How do you long hair ladies do it?

So let me get back on track.  During this diet I got a job on a temp assignment as a recruiter and absolutely loved it. The negative…..I started working 17 plus hrs a day and ate whatever was around therefore creeping back up.  The HMR diet went out the window as did all the money spent doing it. 

A few months later after eating what I refer to as normal food again, I began having pain.  I had horrendous acid reflux and what I refer to as bubbles.  Turns out those bubbles was my gallbladder saying get me out.  I still have them every now and then.  To me it almost feels like a baby kicking.  So out it came and weeks later I still had issues.  I was told I had Sphincter of Uddi Disorder.  I did not make that up I promise.  Uddi later I had to have a stint out in to help my digestive system.  Well I am not sure I lasted a month but I was in so much pain that they took it out. 

I still to this day have pains.  I am trying to narrow it down as to what I eat or drink to cause it.  I am pretty sure soft drinks are evil. However I am a diet drink lover. Day 1 without today baha. I have a lot of day ones.  Which is why I have a headache too.  

So the last two days I have decided this is enough.  I have been working my tail off in our home cleaning like it should be taken care of.  Unfortunately that means less attention to my beautiful children while I catch up on housework.  I know they will not be little forever but dust free helps us all breath better.  (BTW my kiddos are 10, 5 and 4.  Yes I consider my step-son mine. He just has double parents.) 

So present day.  I would say I am 300lbs. So I gained my 115lbs and 26 more back. Yes I feel it on my body.  Yes I feel it on my joints.  Yes I tire easily when working and sweating but I keep going.  YES MY BIGGEST FEAR IS PEELING OVER FROM WEIGHT AND STRAIN ON MY BODY AND LEAVING MY FAMILY.  

I know what you are saying.  Why does she not do something about it? Why is she just talking and not acting? Why does she not get off her lazy ass?

Well 1st…I have done many diets.  I NEED A LIFE STYLE CHANGE.  Second, overeating is an addiction and it’s not easy.  You give up something and see how you feel and do not tell me you did. We all have but this is HUGE.  Third, I am a person who is competitive and likes doing things with others.  Well we are poor right now so gyms are not an option. I am not a heat person so outdoors goes by too. The truth is I get excited and then something happens to ruin my happy bubble and I have to start all over. The last week I have been trying. I have been working hard around the house indoor and outdoor. I usually attempt to sit down after dinner.  To me that’s good and it’s progress.  I have a 100oz bottle that I am now making it a goal to drink the entire thing every day.  It is not half my body weight but it is again a start.  I have not drank this much water since HMR.  Also I am not lazy.  I will work my ass off for what needs to be done.  I work hard for friends, family and sometimes myself.  

My biggest issue is I always think I am not important enough to change.  I know you are probably saying that I have posted about this before so why now does it all change?  I guess you and I will just have to wait and see.  I am my biggest critic!!!!

Food Log Day 1…

Well Lisa Carpenter said to keep the food log… so I figure what better way then to post what I eat on here and how my eating habits are.  Since I was up so dang on late last night I went to bed late.  Once I headed up to bed the 9yr old woke up so I was with him for a bit not sleeping.  Finally asleep and my husband has to get up so then I am awake.  (I was still a little mad at him so I didn’t move or act like I was awake.  Sorry babe.)  Then again… 30 minutes after I was asleep again, little boy comes walking in and saying he wanted to sleep with me.  I tried putting him in his own bed but it didn’t work so in to bed with me he goes.  Then about 1.5hrs later our amazing sitter came in and got him to get ready for Pre-School.  (Random thought – he came home exhausted and fell asleep on the couch.)

So why did I tell you all of that you ask?  Well I slept until about 1pm and didn’t eat breakfast.  So my eating day started about 2pm.  I put in a frozen pizza.

Normal Serving Size = 1-2 slices of pizza

My Serving Size = 5 slices of pizza with 4 Tbsp of Ranch Dressing

Drink = 2 glasses of Tea (sweetened with artificial sweetener)

Now exercise for the day just included working on decluttering for our yard sale and doing loads of laundry.  So the pizza made me feel too full because I am not sure why I ate the 4th and 5th slice of pizza.  I was watching Netflix and eating so that is probably why.  I am slightly sleepy now too so I guess it has the tired affect on me as well.

So how was your breakfast and lunch?  I told you mine.

Well my day continued interestingly enough with not a lot of excitement.  Sorry to disappoint.  I did fix dinner for the kiddos and the hubs but I wasn’t hungry by then since I ate around 2pm.  They ate around 6pm.  I did manage to drink a few glasses of tea; again with that artificial sweetener.

Finally around 10pm I had dinner….

3 Slices of Pizza left over from Lunch (no ranch this time)

The remains of the bottom of a Ranch Doritos Bag

Pink Lemonade (Crystal Light)

So that is my food for the day.  Not much huh… no snacking during the day at all, I kept myself mostly busy for the times I was awake.  So I did enter everything into MyFitness Pal too… did you notice I didn’t eat much food?  However my caloric intake for today was around 1700.  WOW!!!!!

So Lisa makes a point in her day to day emails that we are not changing anything up yet, we are just using it to understand why we eat what we eat and the serving size, etc.  (My first thought now was budget… feel free to read my other blog posts about Debt and $$$.)

So how did your day size up?  Did you keep yourself accountable and write down what you ate?  Feel free to share it with me… no judging as you can see what I ate.  😦  Don’t worry I will work on it.  I know where I want to go, she just says not to go there just yet.

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So I was going to end this post with the last sentence above.  Then I started creating tags and a category for this post and I realized… that today I am happy.  (Other things with today has made me upset and in tears).  For this moment and this subject, I am happy.  Wow what a good feeling.

Eat for your mood

So I have been majorly watching what I eat now for 2 days and my mood is already greatly improved. I am thinking I believe in eat how you want to feel.

I have not done a major workout yet and honestly this week if I do it will be the weekend. Unless you count packing the Christmas Tree away. That probably will rack up the points.

I have had a bit of depression lately (it pains me to say). My parents are away until April and I hate to be away from them. Yes I am an only child. I am also an emotional person so when they are gone things are weird. I think the older I get the more it affects me.

My number one problem. I am mean to myself and my most negative opponent. No one is more negative about me but me. I decided I should work on that more than anything.

I keep thinking the 1st time I lost weight I wasn’t really being supported like I wanted to be. Not that I am this time but this time, I am different.

A New Year a New Start?

Well I just keep on gaining.  Of course a ton of American’s do over the holidays.  However I am officially the largest I have  ever been.  So I decided to start a HMR journey once again.  If I don’t then I think I will just keep on gaining and gaining and I really don’t want to do that.  I want to be happy again.  I keep forgetting what happiness is.  I remember feeling and being more healthy.  I wan to get back to that.

Now I usually always make resolutions.  I am not sure that I ever keep them so this year I have decided not to make any. 

I want to be a better mom to my children no matter what I do or look like.

On January 5th I will post stats and then keep them going every Monday. So at least look for my weekly blogs if not daily.  I am a little down today because I had the flu this week so I missed work, then off today for New Years Day.  Then back to work for one day.

Now unfortunately me working this one day is making me miss my parents.  They will be visiting the kids and my husband before leaving for Florida.  I will not get to see them before they go and I cannot tell you how upset this makes me. I have almost cried 3 times and I just cannot get over it.  To me if something ever happened, they are all I have.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!

2015 Resolutions anyone?!?

1. Write and share my progress.

What is it about the new year that makes people want to start a new? What is it that is so motivating?

If you truly want to make a change then now is the best time as any. Not Monday not next month….NOW

Making Memories

So the water park just wore me out. Not to mention gave my kids burns from the intense Chlorine. The beds were horrible, the breakfast service stunk. They had no healthy options.

We went to dinner at a Mexican place one night and my kids had milk for 2.99. I had a frozen margarita for 1.99. Give them Margaritas next time right haha.

The kids however had a blast. That is all that matters. We played laser tag as well. OMG was that a blast. Even Will was having a blast. He is 3. Izzy ran with me. I got my butt handed to me.

The dinner afterwards was at Denny’s. I was not hungry so I didn’t eat.

Now my poor baby girl is miserably sick. Gotta love germs in a Splash Park lol

We stopped at my cousins 15th birthday and I did get 4 veggies in finally. However I am negative right now. I feel like I have gained 10 lbs. I feel miserable and have to do something. I know I say that a lot.  I did stop judging as much l. Not a lot of fit people were at this park and it made me feel better knowing there are struggles and ups and downs. I know it’s not just me.

I know all my struggles someone out there somewhere shares the same issues.

So I felt very very different today and told myself I had gained weight. How much I did not know. A few mi ute ago I decided to weigh. OMG 267lbs. 7 away from where I started the journey.  I cannot let it get there again. No way no how.

My daughter got sick tonight and I had this feeling if I do not get back to it I may not be there next time she is yelling and screaming for Mommy.

Time to get serious!!!!!

Motivated for Change

YES I AM!!!!  A friend of mine posted his get healthy video his work made him on FB.  It is quite motivating.  I wish I could share it.  So while I was in my motivated state of mind I moved to Pinterest!

I found a few good things…

Please go ahead and do 7000 jumping jacks.  I will catch up by starting with 7.  haha… I am not even sure I could do 1000.  Wow… any takers?  Feel free to let me know how you did! lol  Or if you are wanting to do that as a goal let me know how far you made it!!

So remember awhile back I said I had a lot of stomach issues after my gallbladder was removed?  Well that pain came back today.  I haven’t told anyone but the woman who watches our children.  I don’t know if I am too scared to tell my husband or worried that there is something more that they have not caught on their own.  I just don’t know and I wish I did know.  It is driving me absolutely mad.  So even though we couldn’t afford it I hired the sitter to come and watch the children today.  I had to take a pain pill in order for the pain to stop (which was my last one btw).  It took about 4 hours for it to kick and and I finally fell asleep. So I slept until I had to go get Nick.  I felt better when I woke up.  (Honestly now I am wondering if I have a gluten allergy.) My stomach just hurts all the time now.  Paranoid probably, right?

So I came across this lovely photo, one of the first ones I pinned on Pinterest.  I think I did it once.  So my goal is to do it at least 3 days a week.  I also found a nice yoga stretch one that opens up your hips.  (that sounds pervy) I did do that one as soon as I read it.

So the one above…. lets do it!!!!!!!

Snore…..Struggling to Awake

Anyone else not a morning person? I have been up for more than 2 hours and I am still struggling. Yes I have ate. Now I am currently watching UmiZoomi. I believe why I have no energy to work out. I want to go back to sleep.

I miss my morning banana too. Maybe why I am so stiff and sore. (Either that or old starts at 31.) I need to get up and moving.

I sent my goals in for the week which are working out Wed, Fri and Sat. My new veggie and fruit Pact starts today too. Wish me luck.

Nerf Wars a.k.a. Fun Workout

I am not sure I have ever been so worn out in my life. After dinner tonight a Nerf War occurred. 

Even my baby girl can hold her own. 

It was the most fun we have had in awhile and the best part. FREE!

So I I have a few addictions….

1) Pinterest
2) Netflix (I was watching Burn Notice and finished that so a friend has me hooked on Doctor Who.)
3) Reading on Kindle. (Currently reading J Laslie’s Persuading Tomorrow and  His Needs Her Needs)

I also use these to relax.

I have been looking at a lot of motivational sites and all.

My problem I never fight thru the tired. 

So the good news. I have been eating less and therefore down 3 lbs in a week. I will take it!! I have not do anything huge. So I don’t feel like I have earned it. Is that me just being negative? Is that me saying nothing is good enough?

I am negative and I know it. I used to be so positive. What happened?